Big Bad Burt, or Grand-Pu has arrived

My mother-in-law Carol is glad to see Burt, her partner of 60 plus years, and his being here has relieved her worries that she did something wrong and she was being punished for it. They have a marriage from the ancient past and sometimes it is hard for us from the next generations to watch.

He is frustrated that she can’t remember which way to turn to get to their bedroom, and that she tells the same stories over and over. What we find the hardest to watch is how much he pushes for her to wait on him like a servant, and to do the household chores that she has done in the past. He says she has fun doing chores; I say have some fun yourself and get up off your butt and get your own coffee. After she almost started the coffeemaker on fire, folded and put Bri’s clothes in the wrong dresser and cried because he yelled at her for the unmade bed, we had a “talk”.

We tried to explain to him that she will never be like she was before she got Alzheimer’s, and we cannot, for safety reasons, let her use any appliances. No she will not iron your clothes because here in Florida we throw out clothing that needs to be ironed! We asked him if it would be fair for us to get mad at him for moving at a snails pace due to his bad knees, or to get frustrated when he cannot hear us because his hearing is going bad. Same concept, rounding the corner towards 100 has its obvious pitfalls, but we are all going to approach this time in their lives with compassion and patience, if it kills us!

We have asked him to gently direct her to the right bedroom, without judgment, and to allow us to manage the bulk of the household chores. He is trying, but old habits die hard. I have to remind myself that the dynamics of their relationship have emerged over nearly three quarters of a century and their interactions and the bickering are something they both contribute to, although she is no longer as able to keep up her end of the banter. I am sure that my relationship with his son was just as questionable to him throughout the years. He never understood why Wayne changed diapers, washed clothes, and got his own coffee.

Briana is a saint with them, but has to be talked of the ledge about once a day. I try to help her see a point of view that is often hard for me to see. She handles them both like a pro, and I am very proud of her.

Next chapter: He wants to go back up North after Thanks giving. Stay tuned as a 90 year old man with bad knees, tries to convince me why he has to go back and fight the snow in Western NY.