Cruel Role Reversal

My in-laws are down for a month. Dad is going to be 90 this year and mom, well we say her memory is going, but the truth is she has Alzheimer’s. It is a cruel disease. She was a feisty, spitfire never at a loss for words. Opinionated and our fun, ever ready travel companion, it is difficult to see her withdraw in social situations for fear she will say or do the wrong thing.

They both served during WWII and that is the constant topic of conversation. It is sad to see that generation defined by a terrible war, and sadder to see the war she now fights inside her mind. She is at the stage that is perhaps the most difficult. She has many lucid periods, during which she is aware that she has forgotten things. She gets confused and embarrassed and sometimes angry at the tricks her mind is playing on her.

Dad is from the generation that men were not accustomed to being caregivers. The men went to work and were off the clock and in the easy chair when they came through the door. He always looked disdainfully at his son’s active participation in the care and feeding of our children and his domestic partnership with me. Now, he is forced to cook and clean and care for mom, and is doing his best though he is not happy about his unexpected role.

Dad told me that they have been retired for 23 years this year. They owned a TV and Appliance business in Lockport, NY. Since they retired they have done very little other than hang on to a house that is too big on 60 acre farm that he cannot manage in a climate that is cruel and harsh on old bones. They didn’t like to travel much because they had to leave the house (fear of break-ins or water damage), and they couldn’t afford to do the things they would have liked to because the farm cost them a fortune in taxes and upkeep. From my vantage point it seems like a lot of good years squandered.

I am thankful that my husband didn’t inherit all of his father’s German stubbornness. I am thankful that we had the courage to leave the big house and snow covered community where we worked and raised our family, behind. I am thankful for our health, and our ability to retire young. I feel fortunate to be able to complain about cold temperatures of 60 degrees (and no snow shovel required). I am happy we found this community in which to write the next chapter of our lives.

There is a lesson in here and I think it is my old friend “Carpe Diem”. Yes, seize the day! The future outlook holds no good news for Dad and Mom. His mother lived to be over 100, and it looks like they may both give her a run for the record. My mother used to say "These are the “Golden Years”, bull ----." I prefer to say make hay while the sun shines in The Villages!